Salt and Vinegar
by SlashAddict
Summary: An attempt at a humorous parody of FF8/FFX crossovers. Sin transports Tidus to the FF8 universe, where Tidus meets Squall. Squall/Tidus, um, sort of. (R+R and I'll give you TWO cookies for your curiosity! ^_^)


Salt and Vinegar: An FF8/FFX Crossover. Sort of.  
  
~  
  
A/N: I wrote this with the Lady Griever spouting random phrases at me over the phone, so she sort of coauthored it. I'm not sure if she wants to take responsibility for this, though. (She begged me to put in a pistol- whipping, but I'm not sure if Tidus is into S/M.) It's just meant to be an amusing poke at bad crossovers. Not that this isn't one of them. ^_-  
  
Review and I'll give you a cookie! (Shameless Plug: And don't forget to check out The Lady Griever's FF8 fic "Brumalis Angelus," and my companion fic, "In the Library.")  
  
~  
  
"Huh?" Tidus looked around him. He was surrounded by clear blue water and small orange piranhas. "Oh, damn…" It was obvious that this was another one of Sin's dastardly schemes. Well, as much of a scheme as a giant stone fish can have.  
  
Slowly, so as not to anger the tiny yet obviously deadly fish, Tidus dog- paddled through the water and reached shore, shaking himself off like a large, fluffy sheepdog. It was really hard to swim with shoes on, as well as wearing extraneously zippered leather shortalls.  
  
"I wonder where I am?" Tidus thought. "This sure is a two-dimensional island." Swatting away ugly blue bugs, Tidus started down the amazingly short road. "Where will it take me?" he wondered. Tidus did a lot of wondering. "Maybe it will lead me to my one true love and/or destiny! …No, that's just foolish." Shoes sloshing, he marched down the path.  
  
~  
  
"Squally-poo, won't you buy this for me?" Rinoa pleaded.  
  
Squall rolled his eyes. "No."  
  
"But Pumpkin, I thought you said we'd be together forever," Rinoa whined.  
  
"We can be." Squall eyed the expensive case of jewels that Rinoa was demanding. "But it doesn't have to cast me 20,000 gil, does it?"  
  
Rinoa looked as though she was deep in thought. "Hmm. Well, I suppose it doesn't. But then on the other hand, if you really loved me, you'd buy them for your honey-buns."  
  
Squall grimaced. He didn't think she knew about his new toy, Honey-Buns™. "Rinoa, I don't have the money to buy you a full set of the world's most precious gems every time we visit Balamb." He sighed. "I'm sorry, but that's the way it is."  
  
Rinoa pouted. "Fine, Squally-muffin, if that's the way you want it. Do you really want it that way?" Rinoa was beginning to attract attention from the other customers in the jewelry store.  
  
"…," Squall said.  
  
"Fine then! Don't answer me! You're such a cold fish, I swear to Hyne! Even in bed! You never want to do it! You always make excuses, you always have a'headache'! I think you can't get it up! If you know what I mean!" Rinoa then made several lewd hip and hand motions.  
  
"Rinoa," Squall began, but he was interrupted.  
  
"No, Squall, I'm sick of it! And besides that, you never want to talk about me! It's always Irvine-this, Seifer-that! You even shouted 'Zell!' one time when, you know. You're always putting the men before me. Well, I'm through with that. I have to be the number-one man in your life! Or else!" Rinoa emphasized this with one stomp of her dainty left foot.  
  
"…whatever." Squall was tired of her lip.  
  
Rinoa squealed like a piglet with fury. "I am fed up, Squall! We are through!" She pulled a handful of empty miniature whiskey bottles out of her Angelo-shaped mini-backpack and threw them at Squall. Two hit the ground, but one hit him squarely in the forehead and made a loud –pock!- sound.  
  
Squall stared at her. Then, in a well-timed reaction, he slowly but menacingly drew his gunblade.  
  
Rinoa shrieked and ran out of the store as fast as her anorexic legs would carry her.  
  
Squall resheathed his gunblade and smiled to himself. Mission accomplished.  
  
~  
  
"Would you like to rent a car, sir?" the attendant chirped.  
  
"A car…?" Tidus was mystified.  
  
"Yes, sir, a car. Vroom vroom? Would you like to rent one?" The attendant smiled sunnily.  
  
"Uhh…no thanks." Tidus continued down the sidewalk.  
  
"Are you sure, sir? That sword of yours doesn't look like it'd be much protection. It's all bubbly. Monsters can't catch you when you're driving a car." She eyed the strange man.  
  
"Hey, my sword's just fine, thank you very much!" He hated it when people dissed his great sword. "I'll be going now…" Tidus edged away from the attendant, who was energetically making vroom-vroom noises and pretending to drive as she followed him down the sidewalk. "I'd really rather not rent a…car."  
  
The attendant frowned. "Do you find something to be wrong with our cars, sir? I assure you, they're all in perfect condition. Maybe a little smelly, but they are rentals, after all."  
  
Tidus, unsure of what, exactly, a car was, turned tail and ran like a banshee away from the frowning sales representative and straight down the main street of Balamb, eliciting many questioning stares from the townspeople as to what, exactly, he was wearing.  
  
~  
  
Squall, now officially a single man, was savoring his new freedom by wandering sulkily around town by himself, glaring at various townspeople in what was obviously joyous celebration.  
  
He suddenly spied a taller blond fellow in strange clothing. "Why do I feel this sudden attraction?" Squall thought. "It's just like what happened with Rinoa, only without the dark, evil undertones."  
  
Their eyes met, and suddenly he felt a cold shiver of electricity run down his spine. Or maybe that was just the ice cube that Zell had dropped into the back of his shirt. Either way, it was a new and surprising feeling. Maybe this man could finally replace his Honey-Buns™.  
  
~  
  
Tidus was perplexed. Tidus was always perplexed, but this time it was different. Suddenly he saw a sulky, irritated-looking boy with an amazingly sexy yet facially deforming scar. And boy, was he dressed funny. Six belts, not counting the ones on his shoes. And it was beach weather, too—why was he wearing fur?  
  
Their eyes met, and suddenly he felt a cold shiver of electricity run down his spine. Or maybe it was the ice cube that some spiky-haired, tattooed brat had just dropped down his jacket. Either way, it was a new and surprising feeling. Maybe this man was his destiny. Forget what's-her-name, Yoona, this guy was all that and a bag-o-chips. Salt-and-vinegar ones, at that. He loved salt-and-vinegar chips!  
  
Now he was craving salt-and-vinegar chips. But now wasn't the time.  
  
~  
  
Squall and Tidus approached each other slowly, each eyeing the other cautiously.  
  
"Yo!" said Tidus.  
  
"…," said Squall.  
  
"I said, Yo." Tidus said.  
  
"And I said, dot-dot-dot." Squall glared, but it was a gentle glare.  
  
Tidus grinned. He loved a challenge! "I like your pants! Are they leather?" He bent over and poked the belts around Squall's leg. "Cool belts, man. And the sword, that's cool too."  
  
Squall swatted Tidus's hand away. "Unhand my belts." He stepped back. "And it's not a sword, it's a gunblade." He turned to the nearest pedestrian and made a large slice, pulling the trigger at just the right time to ensure maximum explosion. He had aimed so that all of the falling body parts would land in the water, as any SeeD rank-A would have done. The other passers-by didn't bat an eye. "See the difference? A gunblade is much deadlier. And cleaner, too." He wiped the blade of the Lionheart clean of any marring stains, then turned to Tidus. "What's your specialty?"  
  
Tidus puffed his chest out. "I'm the best blitzball player in the world!"  
  
"Blitzball."  
  
"Yeah, lemme show you!" Tidus turned to the nearest child and pushed him to the ground. Laughing, he stole the child's shiny red ball, tossed it high into the air, and demonstrated the Jecht shot to Squall. The ball flew far off into the horizon, and was never seen again. Tidus turned back to Squall, grinning.  
  
Squall frowned, unimpressed. "I've seen better," he lied.  
  
Suddenly, a short, spiky-haired boy with an odd tattoo jumped in between Tidus and Squall. "Hey, Squall, whatcha doin'? Huh? Huh?"  
  
Tidus pointed, underhand, at Zell. "You! You're the one who dropped that ice cube in my shirt! I thought it was shivers of desire, but I was wrong!"  
  
Zell chuckled mischievously. "So, Squall, I hear you finally dumped the bitch."  
  
Squall gave Zell a small smile. "I wanted to destroy her, but it would have made a mess, and I didn't want to pay for new carpet."  
  
Zell grinned, bouncing up and down on his heels. "So you have any one new in mind? Huh? Huh huh huh?"  
  
Squall glared. "Not you."  
  
Zell pouted. "Aww, why not? Huh? What I lack in size, I more than make up for in stamina!"  
  
Squall grimaced. "Zell…no. Just, no."  
  
"Aww, fine then! See if anyone else wants your cold candy ass!" Zell ran away, presumably back to his sacred room.  
  
Tidus stared after him. "Who was that?"  
  
Squall shook his head. "No one who can stand in the way of our love."  
  
Tidus' eyes became large, reflective, metal saucers. "This is moving awfully fast."  
  
"Isn't that the way it's supposed to go? It's moving awfully slowly, and the author wants to get to the action."  
  
Tidus shrugged. "I guess you're right. So anyway, those are some awfully tight pants you're wearing there, Squall."  
  
Squall gave Tidus an appraising look. "Not too tight. I bet you'd have no problem getting into them."  
  
Tidus grinned, not unlecherously. "I bet you're right. Wanna shag?"  
  
"…whatever," Squall said flirtatiously.  
  
Then they got a room.  
  
Then they got naked.  
  
Then they had sex.  
  
Hyne and Yevon smiled.  
  
And it was good..  
  
~The End~ 


End file.
